BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes3.lha/jokes_3/Things_We_Say_1

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 35.9 KB | 1,210 lines

                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.



*
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
*
All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts.
*
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
*
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
*
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
*
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
*
Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
*
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
*
Born again virgin
*
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
*
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
*
Computers were invented by Murphy.
*
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
*
Don't ask me-I just work here
*
Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go along
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep until noon
*
Do unto others before they do unto you
*
Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been
postponed indefinately.
*
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
*
Exceptions rule.
*
A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
*
God is real unless declared integer.
*
Grab them by the balls--the hearts and minds will follow.
*
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
*
Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
*
He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
*
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
*
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
*
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky
*
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
*
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to.
*
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than have a pre-frontal
labotomy.
*
I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere
*
I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
*
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
*
I think, therefore I am, I think?!
*
If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a
better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile deep in
the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out who the
better whore was.
*
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
*
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
*
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
*
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
then its a bureaucracy.
*
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
*
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
*
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
*
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
*
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
*
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
*
In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
*
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
*
It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
*
It's what you can't see that can kill you.
*
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
*
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
*
The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
*
Let's split up.  We can do more damage that way.
*
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
*
Machines should work.  People should think.
*
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
*
Moderation is for monks.
*
The moral majority is neither.
*
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
*
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
*
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
*
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
*
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
*
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
*
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
*
Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
*
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which as individuals,
they know are stupid.
*
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
*
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
*
Reality is a hypothesis.
*
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
*
Sin now -- Pray Later!
*
Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
*
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.
*
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
*
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
*
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instanly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizzare and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
*
There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
*
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an axe.
*
Two's company, three's the result.
*
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,density,
and pressure, the organism wil do what it damn well pleases.
*
Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are!!
*
Virginity can be cured.
*
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
*
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
*
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
*
When all else fails, read the instructions!
*
When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro.
*
Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
*
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
*
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back,
you've got something.
*
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
*
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
*
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it was honor and offer.
*
Scientists say the only things which will survive a nuclear war are rats
and cockroaches.  Therefore, if a war starts...
GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE FRIDGE!
*
IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
                     thing you can do about it.
*
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
*
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
*
No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
*
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
*
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
*
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
*
The plural of spouse is spice.
*
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
*
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
*
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
as wheels.
*
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
*
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
*
I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
*
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
*
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
*
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
*
There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
*
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
*
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
*
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work.
*
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
*
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
*
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
*
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
*
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
*
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
*
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
*
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
*
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
*
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
*
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
and too rich to be a communist.
*
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
*
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
*
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
*
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
*
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
*
Lisp:  To call a spade a thpade.
*
Modesty:  the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
*
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
*
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
*
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
*
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
*
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
*
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
*
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
*
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
*
Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
*
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
*
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
*
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
*
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
*
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
*
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
*
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
*
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
*
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
*
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
*
Forgetfulness:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
                for their destitution of conscience.
*
Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
             maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
*
Philosopy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
*
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
*
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
*
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
*
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
*
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*
Acquaintance:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
               but not well enough to lend to.
*
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
*
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
*
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
*
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
the enemy.
*
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change
him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
*
Older sister:  "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
*
Some people are discovered; others are found out.
*
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
*
To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
*
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
*
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
*
Dawn:
     The time when women of reason go to bed.  Certain old women prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
*
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
*
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
*
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
*
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
*
The universe is laughing behind your back.
*
You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
*
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
*
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
*
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
*
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticise the competent.
*
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
*
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers
before before meals.  The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me.
I don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
*
The best prophet of the future is the past.
*
We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
*
Corrupt, adj.
     In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
*
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
*
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
*
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
*
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
*
Person, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
  thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be.  Her
  chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
  which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
  the whole habitable earth and Canada.
*
Occident, n.  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
  It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
  Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
  they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
  principal industries of the Orient.
*
Politics, n. pl.
A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our
criminal classes.
*
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
*
Preposterous, adj.  The idea that murder is a crime.
*
Saint, n.  A dead sinner revised and edited.
*
Scriptures, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
  from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
*
Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul
reclamation center for recycling.
*
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
*
I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
*
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
*
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
*
One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible
to appear on stamps and currency.
*
If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your
"blood-intelligence level."  This is the rate at which you decide
not to do something which might make you bleed.
*
If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired
at you, you will get the number of centimeters you can run before
being hit.
*
She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
*
Lie: The program is bug free.
*
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
*
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
*
He who hesitates is last.
*
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
*
A man's house is his hassle.
*
Chaste makes waste.
*
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
*
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
*
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
*
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
*
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
*
Friction is a drag.
*
Biology grows on you.
*
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
*
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
*
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
*
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
*
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
*
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
*
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
*
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
*
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
*
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
*
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
*
Gravity brings me down.
*
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
*
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
*
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
*
Do married women make the best wives?
*
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
*
Drilling for oil is boring.
*
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
*
Teachers have class.
*
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
*
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
*
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
*
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
*
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
          "Where no man has gone before"
*
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
*
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
   Open it and you remove all doubt.
*
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
*
Money is the root of all wealth.
*
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
*
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
*
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
*
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -
the rest is overhead for the operating system.
*
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
*
If you see an onion ring
     -answer it!
*
In case of fire,
   yell "FIRE!"
*
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
*
Every time I lose weight,
      It finds me again!
*
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
*
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
*
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
*
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
*
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
*
Microwaves frizz your heir.
*
Neil Armstrong tripped.
*
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
*
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
*
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
*
Polymer physicists are into chains.
*
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
*
There's no future in time travel.
*
Confucious say too damn much!
*
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
*
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
*
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
*
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
*
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
*
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
*
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
     if you don't use your thumbs.
*
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
*
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
*
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
*
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
*
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
*
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
     will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
*
He who hesitates is constipated.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
*
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
     and all of the people some of the time,
     but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
*
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
*
Astronauts are out to launch.
*
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
*
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
     money doesn't buy happiness.
*
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
*
Biology grows on you.
*
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
*
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
*
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
*
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
*
You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.
*
What`s the most popular form of birth control?
 The headache.
*
Ancient Chinese Curse:
 May you live in interesting times.
*
This place is so weird that the cockroaches
  have moved next door.
*
Crittendon`s 14th application of Murphy`s First Law:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
  side of the bread to butter.
*
Ginsberg`s Theorems:
  1) You can`t win.
  2) You can`t break even.
  3) You can`t even quit the game.
*
Weiler`s Law:
  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn`t
  have to do it himself.
*
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 3:
  Procedures designed to implement the purpose
  won`t quite work.
*
O`Toole`s Commentary on Murphy`s Laws:
  Murphy was an optimist.
*
Sevareid`s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
*
Kitman`s Law:  Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
*
Sattinger`s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
*
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
*
Zymurgy`s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics:
 Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
 them is to use a larger can.
*
Bye`s First Law of Model Railroading:
  Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
  faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
*
Don`s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
*
Third Law of Advice:   Simple advice is the best advice.
*
The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
*
Sweer`s Impossibility Theorem:
   Nothing can be both completely general
   and internally consistent at the same time.
*
Murphy`s Seventh Law:
   Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Murphy`s Eighth Law:
   If everything seems to be going well,
   you have obviously overlooked something.
*
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 1:
   If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand,
   somebody will.
*
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 2:
   If you do something which you are sure will meet with
   everyone`s approval, somebody won`t like it.
*
Crane`s Law:
   There ain`t no such thing as a free lunch.
*
Jones` Motto:
   Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*
Gumperson`s Law:
   The probability of anything happening is inversely
   proportional to its desirability.
*
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional
to its attendance.
*
Parkinson`s Second Law:
   Expenditures rise to meet income.
*
Finagle`s Fourth Law:
   Once a job is messed up,
   anything done to improve it makes it worse.
*
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
*
Experiments should be reproducable,
  - they should all fail in the same way.
*
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
Cheops` Law:
  Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
*
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
  than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
*
Wynne`s Law:
  Negative slack tends to increase.
*
Boren`s Law:
  When in doubt, mumble.
*
Q`s Law:
  No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project,
  the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
*
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
*
The six steps in a project:
  1) Unbounded enthusiasm
  2) Total disillusionment
  3) PANIC!!
  4) Frantic search for the guilty
  5) Punishment of the innocent
  6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
*
Two wrongs do not make a right:
  it usually takes three or more.
*
A lie in time saves nine.
*
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
*
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
*
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
*
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
*
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you
but not in the one ahead of you.
*
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
*
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
*
Why can't lifes's big problems come when
we are twenty and know everything ?
*
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that
that is the impression you will make.
*
When you save for a long time to buy something,
then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
*
Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
*
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
*
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
*
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
*
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
*
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
*
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
*
Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it balks at pig.
*
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
*
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
*
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
            force is technically termed "car suck").
        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
            than "Watch this!"
*
Frisbeetarianism  Th belieµ tha whe yo die¼ you sou goe u th o
rooµ an get stuck.
*
Hofstadter's Law:
     It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
*
Main's Law:
     For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
*
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
*
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.
*
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
            check.
        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
            attracted to dark objects.
*
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
*
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
*
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
*
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
*
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
*
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
*
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
*
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
*
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
*
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
*
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
*
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
*
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
*
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
*
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
         pulls coins out of one's pockets.
*
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
*
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Every solution breeds new problems.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are
so ingenious.
*
Boling's postulate:
        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
*
Anytime things appear to be going better,
you have overlooked something.
*
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
*
Scott's first Law:
        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
*
Finagle's second Law:
        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
*
Finagle's third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
*
Corollaries:
        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
*
Finagle's fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        makes it worse.
*
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
*
Simon's Law:
        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
*
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        1.  You can't win.
        2.  You can't break even.
        3.  You can't even quit the game.
*
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
*
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        Positive expectations yield negative results.
*
Howe's Law:
        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
*
Sturgeon's Law:
        90% of everything is crud.
*
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
*
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        There's always one more bug.
*
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        bread to butter.
*
Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
*
Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
*
Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.
*
Johnson's First Law:
        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        most inconvenient possible time.
*
Watson's Law:
        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        number and significance of any persons watching it.
*
Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
*
Lowery's Law:
        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
*
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
*
Cahn's Axiom:
        When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
Jenkinson's Law:
        It won't work.
*
Murphy's Law of Research:
        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
*
Maier's Law:
        If the facts do not conform to the theory,
        they must be disposed of.
*
Corollaries:
        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
            obtain a correspondence with the theory.



                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.